I just called to say - I love you.

Whenever I hear those tunes that are so familiar to me, something tugs at my heart string and no matter how tough and strong I am on the outside, something crumbles inside. No matter how nonchalant and unmoved I appear to be, the little girl inside dances around.

Once in awhile, I like to shed the cloak that experiences and possibly 'wisdom' have thrown over me, and take the little girl out for a spin. Maybe just once, it's ok be vulnerable and weak - because in those familiar tunes, I feel warm and safe.

Say you, say me...

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

Many times we give our heart out to someone who takes it, holds it, rips it to pieces and leave whatever's left for you to mend. But sometimes some parts get lost... and after repeated tearing and ripping, you're not left with much. Then you try to hold on to whatever little bit that's left and you protect it with all your might, refusing to let anyone bite off a chunk again.

We broke up in April, yet I waited for him for 2 months. Until all my friends, tired and exasperated of seeing me tormenting myself and suffering (lack of sleep, not eating, crying so badly that violet had to meet me everyday to make sure I eat in front of her, and call me every night to talk to me till I doze off)... coaxed me and made me promise to give up and move on. That didn't really work, I would have waited forever if I could. It wasn't a bad ending, noone cheated on anyone, noone murder anyone's dog... we just got tired.

But what really made me give up (on that relationship and any in the near future), was his cold harsh words, his indifference, his actions (going out of the way to avoid me, ignoring me totally when we see each other at church each sunday, not so much as a cordial smile or hello). Perhaps if things were diferent, if he didnt say those things, act the way he did... or perhaps if I didn't see something that I saw (something that only my bestfriends know)... perhaps I might still be able to open the door to that special place in my heart.

But now it's wedged shut. I'll admit there's room in my heart for him and there always will be. But that door is pretty much locked for now.

I'll always love the Carrolls - they were kind to me. I'll never forget his mom, his older brother - Ian, who has been like an older brother to me too, even after the break up, his text messages provided comfort more than he realizes -"Hey, kiddo, study for your exams", "Don't worry too much, u'll be fine", "We'll always regard you as family"... I still hold them dear in my prayers.

Now, 3 months after all the hurt and pain, when I'm finally starting to piece back the pieces in my life and everything starts to seem complete again, when I'm able to look back on my time with him with a sad smile and say it was surreal, and let memories of him slowly fade - A text message on my PPP (pretty pink phone), which josh named joni:

"I just want u to know, that i've never loved someone as much as i have loved
you. No one can replace that. You're always special in my heart. Always."

I simply couldn't bring myself to reply.

After all, what can I say to that?

I like this.

Kinda cute in depressing sort of way. Kinda like me, don't you think? That even at my most depressing state, I still manage to make people laugh :) Maybe I have evolved into robot - that might actually be kinda cool.

Sang this song in church on Sunday and it really moved me:

Hide me now

Under your wings

Cover me

within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with you above the storm

Father you are king over the flood

I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul

In Christ alone

Know his power

In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with
you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still
and know you are God

After the laughter dies down and people part, what makes you genuinely smile?

When there's nothing more that you can say, may it's time to just be still and listen.

When you see an old couple walking silently beside one another, do you feel sad for them that they have nothing more to say to each other... or do you envy them that they're so close, nothing more needs to be said?

Lovely Men

Mahfudz gave me a brand new supply transport unit singlet today in class!
Alvin gave me his combat engineer one last week...

And my older sis and her bf just got home and he brought back 4 army singlets for me!!! Sister's bf is the Best!!! He's like the big brother I never had.
All different kinds too. I can just imagine the trouble he went to, to collect them from all his friends.

He was also super patient and sweet to me during my last break up when I would call him and cry over the phone for hours. He gives me great advice, plus he's wise and kind. (Sorry ladies, too bad he's taken! Hahaha!) I'm so glad to have him as part of our family. Thanks Yane!!!

Thanks Fudzy!!! Thanks Alvin!!!

Anymore kind hearted men out there???

-will take pictures and catalog my entire collection when i collect more-

You Belong To Me

Jaded maybe, but definitely not dead. After all, songs like these still make me melt.

Logan, The Sky Angel Cowboy

This really touched me. It's a live recording from a radio talkshow.. This little boy, Logan, calls in to a Christian radio station to speak with the DJ about something that happened to him.

I think we should take the time to listen to this. This little boy is wiser that many of us who are much older than him, and his child-like faith is something we should all have.

Enjoy!

Back from Bellini

at 4:37am

My love, Smile sweetly.
For the sweet rose of bellini.
Behold, it blooms with such awe and beauty.
So smile sweetly, my love.

My love, softly listen.
For the rose blooms only in season.
Maybe just once, we could defy all reason.
And listen so softly, my love.

My love, stay awhile longer.
For as long as the scent will linger.
We know can be no better singer,
So stay awhile longer, my love.

My love, it's time to go.
For all flowers wither, we know.
Just remember we'll always love you so,
And help us let go, my love.

Tonight, Tom Brown danced his last lap around the dance floor.
Amazingly, he shone like never before.

cheers, Tom. You're a winner.



-missing you loads!-

Doing my part for the environment

My latest hobby is collecting used army unit singlets...

please surrender them here :)

Name your price @ trytofindme@gmail.com

I missed home.

Back from the land of no toilet paper (they use paper towels there), of where green fairy is legal, and of wonderful beef cup noodles (with real huge chunks of beef in them *beg me for one, I brought back 20).

Got in at midnight and missed my bed so much, I decided to crash.

No pictures or blog posts for now (wonders how many of you notice the irony, since this is one), got an appointment with my beautician. She's missing me lots, apparently. Either that or she sensed my desperation over the phone - I had successfully managed to pluck out half of my eyelashes. Don't ask.

Damn, I think I've aged 10 yrs in 5 days. I'm even balding (on my eyelids). Argh.

Oh yea, really missed Singapore. More than I thought I would. Strange.

Kawaii.... or 'Kawa-EEEee, that's damn freaky!' ??

This cute, innocent, sweet young thing... is Miwako, a Taiwanese model.

In case you're wondering why my sudden interest in the act cute, 'kawaii' girl... the kind that I often mock for the lack of beauty or brains.. (of course I did not know any better because this one obviously found the secret to staying young).

And by young, I mean infancy. This 3-year old looking dolly is 22 years old! Amazingly shocking. Ok, I have to say I am intrigued..

Intrigued by the fact that any man short of a paedophile would find her remotely attractive. I mean, women do want to look young... but sometimes, we have to acknowledge the existance of the concept - 'taking it too far'.

Apparently, Alvin decided to scare me on MSN 10 hours before my flight to Taiwan.

Alvin:
hahah
see this
bree!!!:
ehhh u say jer is tiko pek
u more tiko right
looking at peodophiliac pics
Alvin:
no
she is 22 and i just saw it at forum
i think it is scary and not remotely attractive
how is that being tiko

bree!!!:
now im damn scared lah
later i go
taiwan
infested with *** **** *** people like that (** sensored coz I remember I'm going there, and I don't wanna offend taiwan people later I wont be able to come back in one piece)
Alvin:
ahhah
good luck to you

Ok, scary... or attractive??? I'm sure if she's a famous model, she must have a huge fan base... are most of her fans made up of paedophiliac, balding old men? Or is the "ideal age" of women just getting younger and younger???

Hehe, Ok. Just some last terrifying thoughts before I leave. Goodbye, my babies!

The crazy virus that feeds on social lives.

Supposed to go Bellini again with Violet and Kieran... but plans cancelled coz I *croak* lost my voice.

(Yes, fudz.. I know you warned me last night at supper about drinking that milo dinosaur. Stop gloating now.)

I thought we could all hang out again before I left for Taiwan on Friday... but apparently can't, coz I gotta spend most of tomorrow packing my lugguage.

Oh well, Monday was great anyway (a little too great, since I evidently lost my voice after that night)... and we took lots of pictures at Bellini over the weekend so I've got fond memories to bring with me when I'm at Taiwan....

Speaking of which... awww.. I almost don't wanna go now... Been talking to my friends on MSN:

This is Ning, the meanie who everyone thought was void
of emotions...

bree!!!:
u wan anything frm taiwan?
Ning -:
i wan... u to come back safe and sound.
bree!!!:
awwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Ning -:
wat awww
i have everything i need right here
but
by friday
ill be missing a best fren half around the world

And here's Kieran, the part-English
not-so-gentleman

Kieran:
I called Vi just now and we decided
we'll wait for you to come back then we'll parrrtaaeee
we figure you better rest up now before the trip
so you'll be
gd as new =)
bree!!!:
i miss u
guyssssss
Kieran:
Aww...I miss you
truckloads!
cheer up though k?
We'll wait for u!
day after tmr i can't
believe it...so fast!
x.x

Ok, shall not say more since I've lost my voice (now, don't be a wiseass and say that there's no relation since I'm typing and not speaking on my blog).

Oh, anyone else wants anything from Taiwan???

The reason I love Bellini...

Me with my favorite Bellini men! Hehe. Tom Brown's grooves and Raziz's saxy tunes always completes my night..


My best Bellini lady!! Jeassea Thyidor's croons makes my weekend perfect..

Ok, another week of school and work ahead... And I'm all rejuvenated and rested and ready for it! My only complain is that I won't be able to join the gang at Bellini this coming weekend 'coz I'll be in Taiwan!!! *Sob*

But I'll be back just in time for Tom's farewell party... Yep, Tom will be going back to the UK for good in 2 weeks time :( I'm so gonna miss him... Bellini will never be the same without Tom Brown.

Go have fun, kids... but not too much fun. Don't forget to think of me fondly.

Think about it...

Just some random thoughts...

1. Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die.
2. What is the value of money, if we don't use it?
3. What do we live for... if there is nothing that we are willing to die for?
4. Is it arrogant to think that we are capable of being humble?
5. If we keep drawing the line and boundaries with people around us, we are ultimately, inevitable just drawing a circle around ourselves.

Will think about it further and add more thoughts soon.

What do you think?

Mr. Lion

I met him at Adil's bar last Saturday.... but last night we went back there again for a totally different reason. Lol. Mr. Lion brought me to see kittens!

Ok, I was supposed to be up all night studying for my exams... but when he said he saw cute little kittens near Adil's bar on his way home, I couldn't resist!! So he came and picked me up around midnight... and we went down to buy cat food for the kittens. OMG! They're so terribly cute!!!

After that we went for supper at geylang... but ended up walking around looking at illegal gambling dens and prostitues. It was so exciting! I mean, I usually drive around looking at such stuff, but I've never actually got down and walked. When he suggested that I thought he was kidding... but it's really alot more exciting when you're walking around!

Oh, he also let me drive his manual car. Haha. It's been more than a year since I even touched a stick shift. I rekindled my love for manual cars! I remember I wanted to buy one but didn't out of convenience. Haha. And I kinda stalled and messed around his car abit before I got the hang of it.. *so sorry, leonel!*

Eventually, we took out Macs and came back to my place to eat (coz he remembered I had to study for my morning paper. I conveniently forgot).... he dozed off around 3am, me around 5am. He woke up at 7 and realized he was late for work. Haha! Ooops! Both of us are such bad influence on each other?

He left immediately, but he let me sleep in and called me on my mobile to wake me up at 8am to study for my exam.

Well..... Overall, barely studied... coz I had to rush for my exam which was at 11.45am.

But who cares? Hahaha.

Emo Mood

Exams tomorrow and the day after. Guess that explains the rare blog posts lately.

Doesn't help with the studying when I'm getting EMO. It's really amazing how songs can change one's mood doesn't it?




My latest guilty pleasure. Super Emo song!!

Haha. Surprisingly, getting emo in the middle of the night alone in my room is rather.... erm, pleasurable and intoxicating.

Getting lost in the surreal dimension of emotions is somehow more enjoyable than facing the cold hard world... and the emotionless responses we've been conditioned to display.

It's refreshing to just let yourself go and frolick around in sentiments once in awhile :)

I fell in love with a Bumblebee

I fell in love with a bumblebee,
Though I don't know if he loves me.
But we know, both him and I -
That if he stung me, he would die.

I don't want someone I can live with... I want someone I cannot live without.

That was what Audrey and I were talking about in the car after we left Clastalia's wedding and were on our way to pick Violet.

When we settle down, are we just settling for second best, settling for the fact that there is no one out there who is better, settling for whatever we can get?

I'd like to think I know what I want in life and that everything will eventually fall into place - but some thoughts just scare me. Perhaps it was the way Audrey said it - with resignation. I don't necessarily agree with what she says.... but the fact that some people actually think this way, and that there MIGHT be some truth to it... is scary.

Scary thought #1: The one we love the most is often not the one we marry... The one we marry, is most often the one that we do not love (as much). Why do people marry, if not for love??? I simply cannot imagine myself in a love-less marriage. Audrey says don't marry the one you cannot live without, because if he leaves you, you will die. Just settle for someone you can live with - life will be much easier. The thought of my marriage being dispensable scares me.

She says after the one you really love breaks you heart, you will realize that maybe love isn't everything... Hence,

Scary thought #2: If the one you love does not treat you well, you'll be miserable. However, even if the one you do not love (as much) treats you well, you'll be miserable too. Therefore, it's better to be miserable with someone who treats you well. Somehow, this scares me. Are we supposed to choose between "love" and "treatment"??? Why does it seem highly impossible that I will meet a man I love, who will treat me well? She says it's reality, I think it's just hopelessness. This hopelessness I see in my friend scares me.

She explains,

Scary thought #3: If you fall in love deeply, you will get hurt. We should have reservations, even with the one we love. Otherwise, when they leave, we'll be broken and shattered. I agree to a certain extent. While it is ok to give all my heart, it is not ok to give all my life. She said she had given up her family, friends, education for the one she loved and when he left, she was ruined. Such devastation and damage the one we love and trust can cause scares me.

Scary thought #4: It's ok to be with someone less than perfect, and keep waiting for Mr.Right. This is freaky. I will not be with anyone unless I think he IS Mr. Right. Why settle for second best? But what if we never meet anyone better... and what we initailly THOUGHT was second best, was infact the best already? When do we stop waiting? When I fall in love, I expect it to be forever. She says I should stop living in my fantasy world... Never say 'forever' because a better guy might come along. Well, for me.. if I fall in love, I would at least believe it's with the best and to me, there will never be anyone better. The idea of love being so fickle scares me.

Isn't love supposed to be the most pure, simple and natural thing? Why has it become so corrupted, complicated, and confusing?


I don't ask for things to be simple... I just want someone who can make me fall in love and forget about all the complications that don't matter. I want to fall in love with a bumblebee who would never hurt me... for fear that if he did, he would die.

Ok, maybe I'm just a coward after all.

Fighting for Peace is like Fucking for Virginity - Pointless.

Non-virgin men and their virgin wives... this poses such an irony to me. Let me explain.

I remember once in poly, we had a class discussion and I decided to conduct a spontaneous poll. How many men oppose to pre-marital sex? 2 hands went up. How many men want a virgin wife? well... alot more hands went up this time. Here's the irony - If men kept sleeping around before marriage, won't that in turn deplete the pool of virgin ladies? And hence, will it not be harder to find a virgin wife?

Ok, so the scales of the gender ratio are tipped, creating a scenario of there being an abundance of women, and well... scarcity of men. Is this possibly the reason for infidelity? Simply - availability.

Like in economics... the value of a certain good is directly proportional to its scarcity. The core of economics is in fact, built on the idea of scarcity and choice. Being, if we choose something, other than costs incurred, we incur the additional 'opportunity cost' of letting go of the 2nd best option. Hence, someone came up with the science of making the 'best decision'... to minimize losses.

Somehow, the curves of supply and demand for gender have crossed in such a way that baby girls are being abandoned in China, and for young girls in India to be married off before they 'expire'. Does abundance really decrease value? Apparently, in those cases, this is so.

Well, I still believe that women are God's greatest gift to men. And having more women around just further emphasizes God's generous nature. This in no way makes women any less valuable than men. And this in no way allows ANY man to take advantage of a woman, encourage her to engage in pre-marital sex... then in turn chooses to marry a virgin.

"When the last virgin is fucked, only then will men realize that their penises cannot solve EVERYTHING."

-ignore my words if you're offended.

Mould me or take me as I am?

When we get to know someone, we're blind... blinded to their flaws, their strengths, their thoughts. But since we're inevitably affected by our surroundings and we're all the products of the people we know and our environment... we're like clay (that can be moulded and shaped).

Here's a thought. When we get to know someone, we're like a blind man feeling a clump of clay in our hands. If we press too hard and impose too much of our ideas upon them... before we get to know them for who they really are, we have unintentionally (or not) moulded them with our fingers. Hence, the shape we feel.... is simply the shape of our own hands. How do we know what is the right amount of pressure to exert then?

Like how 2 ice cubes which are pressed against each other... the pressure and the heat causes the surface atoms and molecules to melt, and then freeze back again so the ice cubes are joined together. Is change inevitable when 2 bodies come into contact?

How much of us are changed by people we meet... and how much do we retain? IF in fact, we are meant to be a product of the people we meet and our environment... resisting that change will not make us who we are really meant to be. Perhaps, that's just how humans evolve, grow, mature, and adapt.

After all, if everyone remains the same... the world will never change.

Is change after all, the only constant?

Don't bother to comment or correct. This is just random ramblings. A thought that found it's way to my blog before it got lost somewhere in my mind again.

Stolen!

See my new music list at the side? Loved it so much that I stole it from violet's blog. Haha.

Call me old-fashioned, call me uncool. This is the kind of music I groove to. None of that r&b, hiphop, trance stuff for me... Really good music is timeless :)

Listen to the songs and if you like it too, join me and violet at Bellini Room some time!

*It's really cool when your bestfriend loves the same silly, old fashioned music you do and isn't too cool to admit it. Thanks, babe.. for being you!

Hotdog Hero!

No superman for now... My favorite hero comes armed with ketchup and mustard.