morning light.

i guess it's safe to assume i no longer sleep on wednesday nights anymore.
6.30 am and i'm look at www.stevenlim.net... i realize that perhaps the irritating facade is most apt to hide the lonely soul within.
This is his latest blog entry.

"22th June 2007 0309hrs: When you are not even your best friend's good friend =( Sad.....

I used to treat a very important guy in my life as my best friend. I felt he was the only person in the world that never look down on me, never let me down where I share my slightest personal stuff, sadness, every happiness with him. We used to keep daily contact thru msn, smses. And when he failed his test or any new plans to work together or tour, he will sure to find me. We used to watch movies together every time..... Spider man 3, pirates, fantastic 4, 200 pounds beauty, Wild hogs, all the block buster movies recently, we will sure to watch it together. In my mind, I was so thankful to God that this is the only person that sincerely treat me good n nice with prejudice in this life. He was my best friend, n i loved him. But only until yesterday, he confessed that I m not his best friend. It was someone else. That is ok, we are good friends at least. He said," You are not even considered as my good friend. I only treat you as a friend..." That was so hurting in MSN...I sweared i almost wanna knock myself against the wall... Someone that I treasured so much in this life only make me one of his many friends. He said that It is difficult for me to be anyone's good friend, because I m a joker n weirdo n all the girls teased him for going out with me. Wat the?! Now then i realized one thing, finally come to light..I m all alone once again..I could have many friends but I hate keeping friends... I choose to have him as my best friend, my only male real friend. We have known each other for 13 years since army. Others may be hi bye...but to me, he is definitely more than a friend. He is my brother. My brother has hurt me so deep that i cant climb back again. Back in one camp training...I remembered overheard one thing. One campmate asked him whether i m his good friend. He said no, he just liked my motorcycle, so that he can get free rides to movies n back home. I ignored that remark because I tot that he was kidding. Now I think back, maybe it is not. Maybe he really just enjoy the free rides. Now, i have nothing left in the world, only tears rolling down my eyes. Shucks! My parents are getting old, especially my father. He aged so much recently n he really looks like he needs to retire already. Sometimes, I feel so bad talking back at him, because sometimes I bad mood too. Here, Dad, I want to say so sorry to you. I know you still want to earn more money but i really appreciate u for giving me the Polytechnic diploma, n the pocket money you used to give to me. Those are your hard earned money. I really let you down for being a slacker in life. He n my mum r the ones that bring me to this world. I should thank them for the effort. I m not happy now. I m getting old too, damn it..30 already. 31soon...Just half a year ago, I was dating four girls at the same time. Guess few guys are able to handle that feat. All 4 girls liked me, but now I left with nothing because maybe i chose too. I was too flirt le....I should really should just stick to one regular one but i simply could not. It runs in my blood! I thought My ex understand that I m a natural flirt, but we still broke up after many years. Shit lah, cannot get married liao....She forced me to promise her if we patch, in the future I was not allowed to get another girlfriend or "mistress". Really difficult for me!!!! so i cannot promise her n we never patch.. sigh....The truth is that I get lonely very easily n i hate being alone n i want people to dote on me often n i need plenty of attention. Bad rite??? But i guess the real reason for the break up is becos maybe we lack of intimacy for far too long already (many many months dun have XXX). I dun feel like making love to her, i start to hate sex, i prefer self gratification. I can swear for the last few intimacy, she is the one that wanted it first. I dun want to.....The thought of at the end the hassle of wiping already turn me off, off, off, & the tot of needing to perform well. Stressed lah! .Oh man, i m getting old.....Yes, long, long time she never stayed overnight at my house already. She is right. we are drifting apart.. I m going Shanghai very soon. I have paid for the air ticket. Very cheap ( only SGD$559 for return ticket) I m going to live together with the now famous Shanghai Girl for one week. She is going to cook for me. I can dun have sex with any girl, but she gonna hug me tight before I sleep for the seven days.Hee hee....Really looking forward to the trip..I really loved to be hugged, dun want sex...Bless you all....Guess you all are shocked that i change my style of blogging this week. I dun care lah.....I have nothing left anyway. Nobody loves me anyway...Perhaps only "Stewen" really cares about me...Find out who is Stewen by typing Steven Lim, Tammy in youtube."