Say you, say me...

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

Many times we give our heart out to someone who takes it, holds it, rips it to pieces and leave whatever's left for you to mend. But sometimes some parts get lost... and after repeated tearing and ripping, you're not left with much. Then you try to hold on to whatever little bit that's left and you protect it with all your might, refusing to let anyone bite off a chunk again.

We broke up in April, yet I waited for him for 2 months. Until all my friends, tired and exasperated of seeing me tormenting myself and suffering (lack of sleep, not eating, crying so badly that violet had to meet me everyday to make sure I eat in front of her, and call me every night to talk to me till I doze off)... coaxed me and made me promise to give up and move on. That didn't really work, I would have waited forever if I could. It wasn't a bad ending, noone cheated on anyone, noone murder anyone's dog... we just got tired.

But what really made me give up (on that relationship and any in the near future), was his cold harsh words, his indifference, his actions (going out of the way to avoid me, ignoring me totally when we see each other at church each sunday, not so much as a cordial smile or hello). Perhaps if things were diferent, if he didnt say those things, act the way he did... or perhaps if I didn't see something that I saw (something that only my bestfriends know)... perhaps I might still be able to open the door to that special place in my heart.

But now it's wedged shut. I'll admit there's room in my heart for him and there always will be. But that door is pretty much locked for now.

I'll always love the Carrolls - they were kind to me. I'll never forget his mom, his older brother - Ian, who has been like an older brother to me too, even after the break up, his text messages provided comfort more than he realizes -"Hey, kiddo, study for your exams", "Don't worry too much, u'll be fine", "We'll always regard you as family"... I still hold them dear in my prayers.

Now, 3 months after all the hurt and pain, when I'm finally starting to piece back the pieces in my life and everything starts to seem complete again, when I'm able to look back on my time with him with a sad smile and say it was surreal, and let memories of him slowly fade - A text message on my PPP (pretty pink phone), which josh named joni:

"I just want u to know, that i've never loved someone as much as i have loved
you. No one can replace that. You're always special in my heart. Always."

I simply couldn't bring myself to reply.

After all, what can I say to that?